WELCOME to Tuesday, January 16, 2018.
Steven Wright Jokes….
Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
I have a map of the world at home. Full size, I spent last summer folding it.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
How did a fool and his money get together?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen…and replaced by exact duplicates.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
My mechanic told me, ‘I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for his ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘Lisp’ to have a ‘S’ in it?
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Have a great Tuesday
people and whatever you do, don’t forget to LAUGH IT UP!
Peace, I am outta here, Eucman!
“I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids – like for ‘Show and Tell’ she brought Scotland.” -Jimmy Fallon
“An Arizona bank robber was recently arrested after he applied for a job with his local police department. They busted him after they asked, ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ and he said, ‘In jail for robbing a bank.'” -Seth Meyers
“There are a lot of things to dislike about L.A.: traffic, pollution, people. But it’s important sometimes to stop and appreciate the fact that, A) We don’t have to scrape ice off our windshield every morning, and B) I can wear the same pair of teal-colored dolphin shorts to work every day since 1985.” -Jimmy Kimmel
G U A R A N T E D T O M A K E Y O U L A F F….
Bad weather meant I was stuck overnight at O’Hare airport in Chicago. Along with hotel accommodations, the airline issued each passenger a $10 meal ticket, or “chit.”
That evening after dinner I presented my meal ticket to the cashier.
“Is this chit worth $10?” I asked.
Looking up nervously, the cashier responded, “I’m sorry, sir. Was the meal that bad?”😁😎 (Chit happens)
Friday’s Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from???
‘I’m somebody now, Harry. Everybody likes me. Soon, millions of people will see me and they’ll all like me. I’ll tell them about you, and your father, how good he was to us. Remember? It’s a reason to get up in the morning. It’s a reason to
lose weight, to fit in the red dress. It’s a reason to smile. It makes tomorrow all right. What have I got Harry, hm? Why should I even make the bed, or wash the dishes? I do them, but why should I? I’m alone. Your father’s gone, you’re gone. I got no one to care for. What have I got, Harry? I’m lonely. I’m old.’
ANSWER: Requiem for a Dream! Sara (Ellen Burstyn) tells her son Harry (Jared Leto) the tragic truth of the benefits of her drug addiction. Burstyn’s performance in this film was devastatingly powerful.
Tuesdays Movie Trivia of the day!‘ What movie is this quote from??
‘Get out, go anywhere you want, go to a hotel, go live with her, and don’t come back! Because, after 25 years of building a home and raising a family and all the senseless pain that we have inflicted on each other, I’m damned if I’m going to stand here and have you tell me you’re in love with somebody else!’
Friday’s Quizzler is……….
Sunday had finally come for Detective Kelvin Wallace. It was the day of the auction. He was an avid collector of antique items. He was looking for something from the collection of a king, especially Louis XIV, as he did not have any of his items.
Finally, the collection of King Louis XIV came up for auction. The first item was a bathing towel which was supposedly used every day by King Louis XIV. Everyone was eager to get his hands on the old torn piece of cloth, but Detective
Wallace knew that it was a fake piece and decided to leave the auction hall immediately.
How did he know that the towel was fake?
ANSWER: Detective Wallace knew it was a fake because there was no possibility of the king using the cloth every day. King Louis XIV only took three baths in his life of 77 years, and he desired none of them.
The three times were:
1.When he was baptized.
2.When a mistress insisted.
3.When a doctor lanced a boil on his derriere and ordered him to soak in a tub filled with water.
Tuesday’s Quizzler is……….
The following clues refer to the names of several young women, in the form of Miss Suchandsuch. These names then actually form a new word (although there will be a spelling difference with one s missing) For example, “This young woman obeys all the rules” would be misbehave (Miss Behave)
Can you figure out the rest of the words?
1. This young woman is in great shape.
2. This young woman is very generous at Christmas.
3. This young woman showed me where to go.
4. You could tell this young woman all your secrets.
5. This young woman knew exactly what I meant.
6. This young woman is exactly the right choice.
7. This young woman could lead the orchestra.
LOOK for answers to today’s quizzlers in WEDNESDAY’S Jokes, Quotes, Quizzlers & Teases! Like this newsletter? Want to receive it daily? Also, if you are on the list and do not want to continue to receive this email and would like your name removed from this distribution list, please send an email to the Eucman at Eucstraman@hotmail.com.https://dailyjokesquotesquizzlersandteases.wordpress.com/
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